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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29110272">I realized that I need you, I wondered if I could come home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueyedgurl/pseuds/Blueyedgurl'>Blueyedgurl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Cannonverse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Birth Control, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Epistolary, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Happy ending but you're going to work for it, Home, Isolation, No Pregnancy, Oral Sex, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-TRoS, Safe to read if you are triggered by pregnancy, Trauma Recovery, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, WBW</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 03:48:36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29110272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueyedgurl/pseuds/Blueyedgurl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey is doing exploration work for the Resistance, searching for force sensitive planets so any force sensitives that they find have a place to train.  </p><p>One day, midflight she finds a slip of paper with the elegant scrawling words of the ones that came before.  The ones that she found when Ben still roamed the galaxy.<br/>When she lands on a dark and barren planet she is forced to face the feelings she thought she buried.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Cannonverse [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2238984</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Ijustfellintothissendhelp, To Find Your Kiss: The Reylo Fanfiction Anthology's Valentine's Day Exchange</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/VR_Trakowski/gifts">VR_Trakowski</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>All aboard for the Rey Nobody and Ben Solo pain train</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Love is just as intangible as it is solid.  It is at once nothing and everything.  It is enough to move galaxies and yet it is so insignificant it is impossible see it.  I was blind to it, but I loved you when I first saw you.  My heart</em> <em> was frozen, but your gentle light has thawed it and transformed it into a living thing.  I will forever be burdened by the debt.</em></p><p>It had been 162 standard days since Exegol.  The ache in her chest that appeared when Ben had died hadn’t dissipated.  She just got used to its presence.  Like any achy joint or limb, she quickly learned to adapt, work around it, or quit using it all together if she could.</p><p>She was still working with the Resistance, as there was much to be done before order and peace could reign over the galaxy, but she found herself taking independent missions to get supplies or chart out unfamiliar planets.  They were missions that would send her to the outer rim and away from the people that she called friends.  More importantly, they were missions that kept her hidden away, much like the secret life of Ben Solo. </p><p>It had been 162 days since she had claimed Ben’s old tie fighter as her own, dismissing Poe’s attempts to sway her from taking it.  He wanted it as some sort of trophy for the defeat of Kylo Ren and Rey had to <em>remind</em> him that she was the one that brought it back from Exegol.  She was unwilling to give it up as it was the only thing she had left of Ben.  Well, that wasn’t strictly true, she had his clothes, had washed them, folded them and kept them stored away in the compartment on the ship where she had found some of his other belongings. </p><p>The other belongings were his personal effects, a leather satchel with worn buckles that she refused to open, and an old book that appeared to be his journal.  It felt intrusive to read it, although she did open long enough to see he beautiful script.  So, they stayed locked in the dark compartment as a reminder that the ache in her chest was indeed real. But then again, a part of her had always clung to things she couldn’t have, plants in the desert, family, him.    </p><p>She tried not to think about the remnants of his old life that she carried around like a portable shrine, let alone the letters that had once popped up like flowers in her path.  It had been 164 days since she had last found a piece of paper with beautiful scrawling words, that she now knew matched the writing in the journal.  She tried not to think too long about what it meant when the letters stopped appearing after Exegol.</p><p>They had been beautiful, the beautiful script and the parchment that represented civilizations nearly forgotten.  In the beginning she had trouble allowing herself to believe they had been for her.  She was resentful at the time, resentful of her connection to Kylo and the bond.  Now she was just left with regrets.   </p><p>But now she knew that they were not just some slip of paper dropped or long forgotten.  The script matched Ben’s journal, although the paper wasn’t the same.  Now, she allowed herself to believe they were from <em>him</em>, not Kylo, not some random member of the resistance, but Ben Solo.  When they stopped appearing it filled her with a sense of dread.  But still the letters confirmed a lot of things, that he cared for her and regretted his decisions and that what she had felt was real.  However, when the letters stopped it confirmed her fears that he was gone forever, which only served to put a lid on her simmering grief. </p><p>Now as she sat in the quiet dim light of the cockpit, monitoring the radar for other ships she noticed something out of the corner of her eye.  She turned and spied the familiar yellowed paper that sat crisply folded on the dash surprise quickly turned to anger.  It felt like a slap in the face, like it was mocking her in her continued grief or her attempt to accept the life she had been handed. </p><p>She snatched up the paper and her fingers moved to rip it apart but that near constant pain in her chest wouldn’t let her.  Instead, she smoothed out the bend in the paper and unfolded it.  Her eyes pricking, with tears hope and fear warring within her, her stomach rolling at a pitch that made her want to be sick.</p><p> </p><p>Her breath stilled and her heart raced as the graceful swirl of letters appeared before her.  It had the same beautifully written letters as the ones that came before it.  Not the perfunctory print found in her data pad, nor the smudged and less elegant letters of the Jedi texts.  She took in a breath to prepare herself before she read the words.  Unsure of what she would be met with.</p><p> </p><p><em>I am all repentance and grief.  Reliving every moment of regret and indecision.  That I was weak when I needed</em> <em> to be firm.  I was sharp edges when I needed to be soft.  I will regret it until I am no longer in this place.  I wish I could have been better.  I wish I could have told you then that I loved you.  I love you still.</em></p><p>She felt the tears come hot and wet down her cheek and her chin quivered as the now ever familiar sorrow rose in her chest.  With shaking hands, she folded the paper and opened her satchel where she had kept the rest of them.  Little gifts and treasures, the last remaining evidence that they were connected.  They were held in a small slip of a pocket that was becoming distorted from the number of thick pages it contained. </p><p>There were 12 from the time between Crait and Exegol.  There was never any indication of who wrote them, no signatures, no direct hints as to their author.  The first letter or two she thought were accidental discoveries, or from some secret admirer, which was Rose’s favorite theory when she had caught Rey reading the second one. </p><p>Now they just made her sad and she wondered why she kept them except she couldn’t bring herself to do anything else with them.  Just like the black clothes in the cabinet she kept them with her, just in case. A steady reminder of what she lost but never had.  She pushed down her emotions as she pushed the folded paper into the pocket and took a breath, trying to refocus on the task at hand. </p><p>Her current mission was to search the outer rim for force rich planets.  She didn’t have much to go on, a few Jedi texts, maps that R2D2 was able to transfer over to her nav system, and her own connection to the force, despite the undercurrent of resentment she still held towards it. </p><p>She had been to two planets so far, one teaming with greenery and life and another that was swampy and hot.  Both of them were strong with the force and she was able to take note of some of the force sensitive plants, but none of them felt like a place that she wanted to teach other force sensitives.  There was no balance, only light, they were Jedi planets and Rey had no desire to confine anyone else to those chains.</p><p>She wanted to find a place with both light and dark energy.  A place of balance, maybe she would be able to find something that could fill the void in her chest. </p><p>She was on her way to her third planet now, she would get proper sleep when she landed as her tired eyes took in the blinking dials and screens.  She knew it was dangerous to travel to these unknown places alone, but it wasn’t as if she wasn’t used to being self-reliant.  She had survived the harsh desert of Jakku, the wilds of space were no different in the dangers that they held.</p><p>When she finally landed on the planet, she could feel the force thriving, it was more balanced than the other two but leaned more towards the dark side.  A steady dark pulse under the melody of light.</p><p>Not sensing anything sinister, she leaned back in the pilot’s seat and allowed herself to drift off to sleep.  She often dreamed of Ben, the night in the hut, the life they could have shared.  This time, however, she dreamed of her first month after Crait, training in the forest and seeing her first letter.  It was such a delicate thing, the crisp paper felt so fragile and brittle, despite the jungle’s humidity.  In the dream she showed it to Leia who smiled softly at it. </p><p>“It’s a relic, of another time.”  She said cryptically before looking into the canopy of the forest and wandering off down the path.  Rey read the familiar and touch worn script, Ben’s voice ringing in her ears.</p><p><em>I had a dream where you took my hand.  That you allowed me the grace to be in your orbit, like a planet</em> <em> begging for your incandescent light.  Instead, I awoke to this nightmare.  The coldness of my dark heart has returned.  I strive to continue to prove my worthiness despite my knowledge that you do not deserve this poison that courses through me.  I cannot help myself I am drawn to you and only you, I fear that I will crush anything that separates us.  </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Rey woke with a start, to a lightened sky.  The position of the sun told her it was near midday.  She grimaced as she stretched, she had slept later than she would have liked.  She was tired of searching, of waiting and yet here she was.  She had learned on Jakku that waiting served no purpose, but even now as she knew what she was supposed to look for she felt like she was searching for something else.  She was just as isolated then as she was now, searching for an opportunity, waiting for the moment that things would fall into place.</p><p>She fixed herself some portions before sitting down to meditate. The planet thrummed with the force and she could sense the presence of other beings and plants, even the soil seemed to pulse with some current of energy.  She couldn’t sense anything inherently threatening, just beings living their lives.</p><p>She soon left the ship to take in the surroundings and document anything of significance.  There was a forest off in the distance, tall grass that grew up to her waist started just on the outskirts of where she had landed.  The skies were overcast by clouds, but it did not look as stormy as it did on Ahch-To.  The forest seemed thick and healthy but was composed differently than the jungle of Ajan Kloss and was more like Takodana.   </p><p>Again, she found herself pushing away the emotions that arrived with that memory, steeling herself away from anger, hurt and regret.</p><p>She made notes in her data pad before she set off through the grass.  Despite her determination to be focused on her work she could not keep away the words that graced one of the folded papers in her satchel.</p><p>
  <em>I dreamt of you walking towards me through the long grass.  I thought of how much you’d love being surrounded by the waving soft seeded tassels.  The green matched the flecks in your eyes that I still cling to.  I used to be indifferent to it, the beauty of life.  I shrouded myself in the dark.  Now I can’t help but be confronted with the full spectrum of light that confronts me at every turn.</em>
</p><p>She took a breath and stiffened her spine as she continued to explore the planet.  She tried not to think of the longing that was scrawled within ink.  Sometimes she doubted they could ever be for her, clinging to anything that sewed doubt into the foolish sentimentality of keeping the letters.  But if they were from Ben, if they were for her… well she tried not to dwell on it.  Not anymore, but the new letter that appeared only served to put a dent in her brittle armor.</p><p>The planet was lovely, but she found little of interest, not that she quite knew what she was looking for.  Rey made it back to the TIE fighter while the sun was threatening to dip below the horizon for the day.  An evening chill started to set in, and she was grateful for the shelter of the ship.  It didn’t have much room for her to move around, and the portable sonic shower was less than pleasant but it was better than her AT-AT on Jakku for accommodations.  She made further notes in her data pad and researched her next planet.  It would take nearly 5 days to travel there.  She would need to stop at an outpost for supplies and a proper sleep. </p><p>That night as Rey sat outside watching the stars while she ate her dinner she was assaulted with the familiarity of the act.  It was soothing and she longed for the rhythm and routine of an unremarkable life.</p><p>She decided to stay for another day.</p><p>***</p><p>The outpost she had stopped at was similar to the ones on Jakku.  It felt barren despite a slightly more temperate climate with grass plains and people living in sod covered mud huts.  Despite the better living conditions, she noticed that people were still barely getting by. </p><p>Poe had replenished her credit balance, so she didn’t need to barter too heavily with the merchants or workers, knowing that they needed the money more than her.  She was able to restock her supplies, fuel up, and find a small boarding house to recuperate from her travels.  She took advantage of the shower in her room and was able to wash her clothes. </p><p>She interacted minimally with the people around her, choosing to keep to herself.  People’s reaction to the abolishment of the first order still stung in a strange way.  She understood their joy, their relief, their fears, and uncertainties, but it pained her to think about what it had cost.  She knew with each communication with Rose or Finn that she was living a lonely life but there was a comfort and familiarity to it.  She could function on a sort of autopilot that felt natural to her. </p><p> </p><p>It was 175 days post Exegol when she arrived at her next planet.  This one was different there was a stark contrast from the ones she had previously visited.  She could feel the darkness reach out to her.  Tendrils of it stretched through the force to slither against her own signature.  She knew she would need to keep herself centered for fear that she would succumb to the darkness.  A part of her wanted to leave, that there was nothing here that would be worth the risk of finding, but she felt a pull to this place.  It was something that she needed to explore before she could move on, something about it that felt personal. </p><p>She stayed on the ship the first day, the sky was bleak and monochrome.  The only difference between daylight and night here were the shades of dusky sky.  The planet was cold, but not icy, it felt brittle, like one push and it would fall and shatter to dust. </p><p>That night her dreams were frantic and desperate, she ran through mazes of machinery.  Hoses and wires from ships clung to her, pulled at her hair and clothes.  The whole time she ran, rusty metal walls of scrap rose up around her.  Ben’s voice echoed through the din, she tried to find it, to seek out the source of it but was met with grey walls at every turn.</p><p><em>I have been searching for you but have failed to find you.  You are hidden from me and I fear for the worse, though I can still sense you.  A thin pulse of light that comes in through the cracks of my armor</em> <em> insisting I accept the warmth it brings.  I am desperate and I am foolish.  I hate myself for wanting to seek you out, but I cannot stop myself.  It is second nature now like breathing, like existing, I know now I never lived until that fateful day that I found you in the forest.</em></p><p>She woke the next morning feeling foggy and tired.  She tried to mediate but couldn’t shake the feeling of disconnectedness.  She opened the compartment to put away her bed roll only to find another slip of paper on the shelf.</p><p>She didn’t hesitate to open it this time, unfolding the creases gently and slowly, eager to read the words within.  Yet again, she was greeted by the elegant scrawl of letters. </p><p><em>I cannot seem to escape this hell I am currently in.  I try to push against the walls, and they do not break despite</em> <em> the appearance that they are weak and frail.  I believe I am neither alive nor dead.  Instead, I am at an in-between where I must relive my worst moments, moments where I made the wrong choice.  I regret everything, everything except you. </em></p><p>Her fingers traced the lines of script on the heavy paper and allowed herself to sink into the feeling of being wanted of someone wanting to seek her out.  She wished she could feel the sense of connection that she shared with Ben.  Eager to sense anything besides her own bleak existence she raised the paper to her face, wisps of leather and steel greeted her nose before she pulled it away and slid it into the satchel with the others.</p><p>The moment of warmth she experienced was fleeting, the realization that Ben was dead came crashing back down on her and she screamed in the agony and hurt that it left behind.  The ache in her chest throbbed with a new pain and she dug her nails into the palms of her hand to try to soothe herself.  Pain was a comfort, a reminder that one lived. </p><p>After she was able to collect herself, she left the ship, that trance like feeling returned to her.  She stepped onto the planet her boots crunching on the hard baren ground.  There was a fine layer of rocks and other debris that hovered just over the surface of the ground like a fog.  She could see no noticeable plant life, nor sense any animals.  Yet, there was a restlessness to the place, as if there was a heartbeat ricocheting off the slate surface and echoing through her.</p><p>She soon found that her own mind floated and weaved through the fibers of the force.  She walked across the craggy plain before she came to a large smooth rock, that was different from the planet itself and she sat upon it, the need to meditate tugging at her mind.</p><p>She felt the force flow through her, and she saw herself in a maze of grey, stone walls.  She watched herself from above as she followed a path, turning corners and passing under crumbling archways.  She didn’t know where she was going, she just knew that she was following an unmistakable pull.  She walked for what seemed like hours before she came to the place that called to her. </p><p>The force was practically vibrating by the time she got to her destination at the center, a large slate cube the size of a small ship.  A monolith of energy that called to her in a way nothing ever had. </p><p>A voice echoed through the maze.  Ben’s voice.</p><p>
  <em>I had a dream last night that I was getting crushed.  I was with my men and the walls were closing in all around us.  I tried to reach for you, but the bond was still closed.  I tried tugging on the thread that ties us together, pulling in a desperate attempt to pull myself from my own fate.  It was no use and I realize I must endure this to the end.  You are hope and light and I wish that one day you can be free of the darkness I have shed upon you.</em>
</p><p>A tear tracked down her cheek and she pressed her hands against the stone barrier.  She could feel something waiting within.  There was a warmth to it that the rest of the planet lacked and a part of her clung to the soothing rhythm of its signature.   Her skin basked in the warmth like the fires on Ahch-To.</p><p>She felt the undulation of the force, altogether familiar and foreign.  The way that it moved and reverberated through the cracks within the stone made the structure feel weak, moveable and she pressed upon it.  The vibrations increased and she pushed again delving farther into the structure in front of her.  She felt the force move beyond the thick walls and into a small space that contained the signature she as seeking out. </p><p>However, she soon became overwhelmed as sweat beaded on her brow and she watched from above as she collapsed onto the rocky earth below, where darkness overtook her. </p><p>***</p><p><em>I have exhausted myself.  But you came to me and I wish that you had stayed.  I felt the full press of your anger and it relieves me that you think of me at all.  Hate is not so different from</em> <em> love I have seen and lived it enough to know that it is true.  I dread the day that I am met by your indifference.  Until then I remain hopeful that I can reach you.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>When she woke, she was no longer surrounded by stone walls, but was slumped over the stone she had sat on.  She looked around her over the rocky plateau.  She could hear the sound of waves as they crashed far off in the distance and she wondered how she had missed it before.  She was still heavily disoriented and had to use her data pad’s navigation tool to get back to the ship.  The interference from the planet’s force created a staticky sensation in her mind that made it hard to interpret her surroundings. </p><p>She was halfway to the ship when she saw a tall dark figure walking towards her.  The air between them shimmered like the air of the desert and for a moment she let herself think back to another time on another planet, surrounded by desert sand.  Only it was the land that was dark instead of tan and as the figure approached, she saw the clothing was lighter than what Kylo had worn that day that felt so long ago.</p><p>She blinked the thought away, yet the vision before her still remained.  She would have avoided the being if weren’t for the fact that they were in the direct path of her ship, and there wasn’t anywhere that she could hide herself away. </p><p>As the figure came closer, her heart leapt in her throat at the familiarity of the scene as it played out before her.  The height and breadth of the being tugged at the corner of the heart that she buried with the lightsabers on Tatooine.</p><p>She pushed her grief away, continuing to trudge towards the approaching figure.  She reached out with the force, but the interfering signatures of the planet did not allow her to distinguish between anything that she was sensing.</p><p><em>Your fingerprints dot my life and I do not remember a time without their presence.  The invisible coils lead to the </em> <em>, their ripples marring the surface of the things I thought I wanted.  How dare something so simple pull me off course, like a butterfly pushed by the wind. How dare something be so affecting appear so small, yet the rest of the galaxy think it insignificant.  I will remove everything that stands in my way.  I will be what you need, that thing you think I’m incapable of and I will not be swayed.  </em></p><p>When she made it closer to the being it stood so tall and familiar, echoing of a past that she still carried with her.  The memories that flooded her mind were jarring and she took a step back.  Her mind reeled and her heart raced uncertain of this reality that was walking towards her. </p><p>She became skeptical about the things that were different about him, his facial hair was grown out and unkempt, his hair longer and the clothes were plain and rumpled.  All tells that it couldn’t be him.  Not really, she told herself.  She swallowed and lifted her chin and walked by the ghost of her past.   </p><p>It saw her, this illegitimate phantom, it turned and watched her walk away with haunted eyes.</p><p>“Rey.”  It said, voice thick and wavering as if struggling against the tide of heavy emotion.  The being wasn’t transparent like Luke and Leia had been, she could not see the murky horizon through its broad chest.  The voice did not seem far away like the other Jedi’s.  No, this was solid.  She snarled in anger and pain at the assault it laid against his memory and her meagre attempts to find peace.</p><p>She turned on her heel towards the vision.  The raw emotion from the past year or more rising up and lashing out.  The hurt that swelled from the discovery of the new letters.  She had had enough of the force toying with her like a piece in a game of Dajarik.  No more.</p><p>“You’re not real.  You can’t be real.  I watched you die and leave me.” She sneered, her eyes burning with tears and her fists clenched at her side.</p><p>He looked stricken as his eyes widened, and his mouth quivered in that all too familiar way. </p><p>“I’m here.”  He said, his hands pressing to his chest, his fingers tugging at the loose fabric of his shirt.</p><p>Her scowl deepened and she turned on her heel to go back to the ship, heavy footfalls followed her retreat across the rocky surface of the planet.  She knew then that she needed to leave now, or risk being lost here forever. </p><p>“Rey.” The word heavy with pleading, but she shook her head against it, the sounds of the beings were so real that she could hear the labored breath.</p><p>“Leave me be, you are a figment of my imagination, a trick of the force.  Nothing more than an illusion.”  She spit out, although whether to convince herself or whatever it was that was speaking to her now, she wasn’t sure.</p><p>“I may be a trick of the force but it’s you that did it.  You brought me back.”  The apparition said with a tone of desperation.</p><p>She sucked in a breath trying to steady her nerves, the ship finally within sight amidst the gloom. </p><p>“I see you’re flying my ship now.”  The voice came, sounding persistent, steps steady and quick behind her.   </p><p>“It’s not yours because you aren’t real.”  Rey replied, walking as fast as she could.</p><p>“Can’t you feel me?  I can feel you.”  It persisted.</p><p>She turned and saw a hand was reached out towards her.  It was familiar and ungloved. She blinked back tears unwilling to give this dark planet the satisfaction and shook her head continuing towards the ship. </p><p>“I’m not letting you leave without me.”  The vision stated determinedly, and she waved him off like a persistent sand fly.</p><p>They walked the rest of the way in relative silence, only accompanied by the crunch of their footsteps and exerted breaths. </p><p>When they got back to the ship everything still felt surreal. </p><p>Rey quickly boarded hoping that the force being would leave her alone, a small treacherous part of her wished to stay and let it be real.  But she couldn’t let herself dream just to have the weight of reality crush her or worse yet destroy her.  She did not survive the deserts of Jakku to wither away on a lifeless planet. </p><p>The being she collected was still with her, his footsteps echoing up the ramp behind her and despite her better impulses she waited for him to enter fully before closing the hatch. </p><p>Rey threw herself down in the only chair in the cockpit.  She heard a huff of annoyance and she eyed him out of her periphery as he ran a hand anxiously through his hair before sitting on the cramped and dirty floor.</p><p>Another memory bubbled up and she indulged herself in allowing the thought to complete itself.</p><p><em>I would lay myself at your feet if I thought it would change things.  But you are stronger than that.  I will strive to prove</em> <em> myself to you.  In this world and the next.  If I could let all of this go, I would come home and I would hope you would let me.  I realize too late that I need you.  Before you, home had always been a place, now I realize that it is something else entirely.  I realize that my home lies somewhere within you.  Whether in the force or in your presence.  I would even accept home as being in your good graces.  Until then I will work toward my own repentance. </em></p><p>Rey shook her head and pushed away the words that she had read repeatedly and memorized since their appearance to her.   They were cold comfort after Exegol when she realized home would always be elusive to her. </p><p>“Rey.”  The vision said again as it sat curled in on itself, behind the chair.</p><p>“No,” She bit out.  “You’re not real.  I’m going get off this planet and you’ll be gone, you’ll see.”  She said desperately, not entirely convinced but not sure she wanted to be.</p><p>She could hear the sigh, but she ignored it.  The idea of interacting with some force derived version of Ben only to have him disappear again brought a lump to her throat which she swallowed down as she got ready for takeoff. </p><p>She could hear the force being move behind her and again she had to brace herself for how real and solid he seemed to be.  If she let herself believe he was real, she would be lost forever and yet she was so tired of fighting.</p><p><em>I always thought love was an imaginary substance conjured up by poets and fools.  Love was pain and anguish.  Not until I touched your hand, did I realize it was something worth experiencing, something worth</em> <em> fighting for.  I would gladly crawl through the ashen forests of Mustafar if it brought me to you.   I don’t know how to bridge the gap that has nestled itself between us.  I am desperate to show you the place you belong in this world. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>She struggled with focusing on the controls but before long they were out of the strange planet’s atmosphere and she promised herself that she would never return.  She closed her eyes to prepare for the sensation of loss that she braced herself against, that she suspected would come with losing him again.</p><p>“Rey.”  She jumped at the sound, unable to understand how it was still there.  She lifted her chin and set the next coordinates into the control panel.</p><p>She turned and the being was still there, unchanged.  His brow was set in a determined manner despite the sorrow in his eyes. </p><p>“How are you still here?” She asked, her voice cracking with emotion.  She wondered if she had even left the rock, or if she was still slumped over it in her visions.</p><p>“Can’t you feel me, yet?  I can feel you.”  His hands clenched into fists, as if stopping himself from reaching out to touch her. </p><p>Rey allowed herself to reach out to the force, the ever-present ache had lessened and was replaced with something else.  It didn’t feel like Ben when she had last felt him on Exegol.  She’d know how it could be him, not really, she told herself that it was some parasitic creature, a dark leach, that had attached itself to the gaping void in her chest.</p><p>“I can feel you, but something about you is wrong.  How are you real? What are you?”  She was angry in her skepticism and he flinched at her questions.</p><p>“You set me free.  I’m not a monster, if that’s what you’re implying.”  He said with restraint and his jaw set in a defensive pout.  “Not anymore.”  He muttered, glancing away.</p><p>The reference to their first interactions caused her stomach to roll.</p><p>“You died, I watched you die.”  Rey said, the bottled-up tears of the past 176 days leaking out beyond the reach of her control.</p><p>“I did, and you brought me back.”  The fake Ben shifted into a kneel and shuffled towards her.  His hand reached out to cup her cheek and it was warm and very solid.  “Sweetheart.”</p><p>He murmured and despite her will, the bond finally opened just a bit more to let her experience his presence.  She was assaulted by visions, the first time they touched, how he had risked his life to save hers in the throne room and how she had saved him in turn, the desert, fighting across the bond, and the moment he smiled at her on Exegol.</p><p><em>You are why I do these things now.  Whether to prove you right or wrong I have yet to decide</em> <em>.  I can feel my demise speeding towards me faster than light and slower than still water.  I will die by the hands of those that I have failed.  But not without you knowing that you are the only thing left in the galaxy that I care about. </em></p><p>She closed her eyes and herself off from the bond, unable to bare the pain of another trick, another false hope.  Had it not toyed with her enough?</p><p>The eerie thing was that she could still hear him, the being, the phantom, the force vision, whatever it was.  Ben was dead, there was no point in focusing on this being that had attached itself to her.  She closed herself off from her surroundings and turned back towards the controls willing herself to ignore it. </p><p>She checked the radar, there weren’t any ships in the immediate area, she was distracted, and she struggled to focus on where to go, so she set the coordinates for Jakku.  A force barren wasteland.  A familiar place that she could get her bearings and recenter herself in someplace familiar and close.  Someplace, that she could survive on autopilot if she needed to.</p><p>Her temple prickled with a nervous sweat at the worry that she had picked up some dark force being, some parasite that had attached itself to her and would prey on her and anyone she came into contact with.  She knew she could open herself to the force fully to better understand what was happening, but she was afraid of losing herself completely. </p><p>She felt trapped, like the day on Takodana and she couldn’t help but remember the tall figure that followed her through the woods and hunted her like prey. </p><p>She felt her breathing pick up as the panic set in, she heard the being shift behind her and she couldn’t help but let out a scream.  It was feral and raw, filled with the pain and anguish as she railed at the hell that her life had been only to be given hope and have it snatched away over and over and over again. </p><p>Now she was given hope again with the being that sat itself behind her and she could feel herself being torn apart between hope and dread.</p><p>The presence kneeled next to her chair and she stood from her seat to try to escape it, even though there was nowhere for her to go but the other side of the control panel.</p><p>The being didn’t talk, just gave her a mournful look with that quivering lip and she as reminded of the throne room.  She thought of the last letter.  The letter before Exegol, before her life would be changed in a way she couldn’t have understood then. </p><p><em>The look of disgust that you gave me when I offered my hand.  It was chilling.  I have been on the receiving end of that look my whole life; it was something that didn’t affect me when I first found you.  But after everything, after baring myself to you, after fighting with you and for you, it was unbearable.  I now regret the intensity of my reaction.  My rash temper won, and I have lost everything worth having.  I recognize now that my mistake was that you were not rejecting me, but that you were rejecting the mantel of oppression that I was complicit in maintaining</em> <em>.  I regret being blind to that.  If I could, I would go back to that day and go with you, take your hand, and leave.  My time here since, has been useless, and I fear that I have only caused more destruction in my pursuit of you. </em></p><p>“I’m so sorry, Rey.”  The being said his eyes wide and sad.  She felt herself wanting to let go and join him in oblivion but instead she shook her head and sat down.  The being took the hint and seemed to settle back on the floor, resting against the cabinet that held what was left of Ben Solo’s old life.    </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rey finally lets Ben in.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>NSFW part is marked with **</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took a full day to for them to get to Jakku, a day of pins and needles and her temper flaring anytime she was forced to acknowledge the existence of the being that called itself Ben.  But no, it never called itself that did it?  No, it had been a trick of her lonely that mind called it that.  </p><p>Rey landed the ship close to her old dwelling, the AT-AT more covered in sand than it had been when she left it over a year ago.   She could hear the being step down the ramp behind her and she wished it would just leave her alone, let her live in peace, if not then something like it.  She walked into the hallowed shell her old home; her things overturned and covered in sand but still present.  She never had anything worth stealing, but it seemed that someone had to come and make sure.  She straightened her bed and laid on the cot, turning her back to the being hovering in her doorway and allowed herself to drift off in her exhaustion.  </p><p>
  <em>I wish you could see yourself fight.  The fierceness in your eyes, the strength in your form.  It is awe inspiring and makes me ache for you.  Fighting with you has never deterred me, only encouraged me in my pursuit of you.  However, I was wrong before.  You didn’t need a teacher, you just needed time to understand what you already had within you.  You are more capable than any being I’ve ever met.  I would have been glad to call you Empress and to see others bow down at your feet.  I will find a way to make your power shine and be known through the galaxy.</em>
</p><p>She woke with a start, the high sun creating an oppressive heat within the structure. </p><p>“You’re still here.”  She said without looking, she could feel his signature pulse and throb much like the desert heat.</p><p>“I don’t know how to prove to you that I’m real.  Can’t you open the bond and feel me?”  She turned to face him, his head in his hands like a desperate and weary man. </p><p>Her breath hitched and fear coursed through her veins.  The bond cracked and his presence trickled in, like water out of the crack in a jar. </p><p>“If I open up to the force do I lose you or myself?”  Rey asked looking around the space, it was cleaner than when they had come it, as if he had kept himself busy. </p><p>She sat up and straightened out the covers on her bunk, brushing away the sand and debris that she had slept on.  Her fingers ran into another folded piece of paper as she adjusted the bedding.  Her heart stilled and she turned to the being, the counterfeit Ben. </p><p>She watched as the being stayed sat in the corner near her markings on the wall.  His fingers traced over the thin lines she had made as she waited, thousands of them, one for every day she had spent waiting for her parents to return. </p><p>He wasn’t watching her, seemingly lost in thought and she unfolded the paper, again greeted by the same familiar script.</p><p>
  <em>I finally have you in my reach and you’ve never been so far away.  How do I touch you?  How do I get you to see that I am right here?  Do I share in your sorrows and accept your reluctance, or does that mean that we stay forever separated?  I have never been a man of patience, but it’d be worth learning them for you.  As I take in your past life, I see that patience is something you have an abundance of, and I will wait for you to be ready.  I will wait for you to realize that I’m really here and if you’re willing, I will forge ahead in this life with you.  That whatever hopes and dreams you have we can have together if it means I get to be with you.</em>
</p><p>She watched as a tear tracked down his cheek and while he seemed distracted, she felt bold enough to fully open herself up to the place where the bond used to be. </p><p>A soothing wave came crashing over her, she could feel the connection, the bond, a feeling of completion that she did not let herself feel on the ship.  The being was Ben but altered, he was not the same as he was, but neither was she. </p><p>She saw herself through his eyes, cradled to his chest as he walked through a forest, their battle in the snow, the way she looked at him on the elevator, and the way she looked at him after she healed him.  The shared grief of losing Leia.  The way he held her and looked around desperately when she had died on Exegol.</p><p>“Ben.”  She gasped out, her hands shaking, her defenses draining away weary from her grief.  Tired of fighting, tired of resisting, tired of losing everything that mattered.   </p><p>Ben turned, a look of hope taking over the sorrow of his features and she felt him sense the opening in the bond. </p><p>“Rey,” he said in relief and joy.</p><p>He was standing and in front of her in three paces, kneeling before her while she sat on the cot. </p><p>Her fingers raised to trace his brow before they moved down line where his scar used to be, they then cupped his cheek before leaning in and kissing him.  She poured her emotion into the kiss, not wanting him to doubt her feelings.  She was half relieved he was here, and half terrified he would disappear again afterwards. </p><p>She pressed her forehead against his and closed her eyes and focused on their connection.  She could feel the force thrum with pleasure, and she finally let herself relax as she accepted and reveled in his presence.</p><p>“Ben.”  She sobbed out as she opened her eyes to the man before her.  </p><p>He took in his own steadying breath and she watched his chest raise, his eyes glassy with tears.  </p><p>“You’re really here?  How?”  Rey asked him, tears tracking down her cheek, his forehead warm against her own.</p><p>He shook his head, “I don’t know.”  He scooted closer, his body wedged between her knees as if he couldn’t get close enough and she wrapped her arms around him.</p><p>“I thought-” She sniffled burying her face in his neck and he held her tightly, as if he couldn’t believe he was there any more than she could.  He stood, picking her up so he could sit on the cot with her, placing her on his lap. </p><p>He pressed kisses to her cheek and her temple, his hands cupped her jaw so his eyes could meet hers.</p><p>“Where were you?”  She asked, desperate to understand what had happened. </p><p>“I don’t know.  World between worlds, I guess.  The place I was in was a large slate room...  Nothing there but me and my thoughts.”  His hands were restless when they weren’t gripping her tightly, as if he too were struggling to accept the reality of their situation. </p><p>His hand picked up the piece of paper that she had dropped, and he held it up to her with a curious expression on his face.</p><p>“What’s this?”  He asked, clumsily unfolding the paper with one hand, not willing to let her go with the other. </p><p>“I thought they were from you?”</p><p>He only shook his head, her heart sunk, and she blushed at her foolish assumptions.</p><p>“Can I read it?”  He asked her hesitantly.</p><p>She nodded, afraid of how he would react to the things that were written, especially if he wasn’t the one to write them.</p><p>She watched as his eyes roamed over the message, his brow lowering into a slight scowl.</p><p>“How did you get this?”</p><p>“I found it on the bunk.  I’ve been getting letters like that since Crait.”</p><p>Ben’s mouth opened in surprise as he read the words and his gaze snapped back to hers.</p><p>“There’s more?”  Rey nodded, she moved off his lap and reached for her bag to pull out the other letters.  She slid them out of their pocket and handed them to him.</p><p>She watched as he opened each one, as looks of guilt and shame crossed his features as he read the older ones only to look sad and remorseful as he read the newer ones.    </p><p>“I never wrote any of these things down.”  He told her after he finished the pile, treating them with the same amount of delicacy she had as he gently refolded each one. </p><p>“But they’re yours?  Your words, I mean.”</p><p>He nodded. </p><p>“It’s my writing, they’re my thoughts.  I remember thinking each of these things.  I was an idiot in the beginning.”  He said, his hand covering his mouth.</p><p>Rey ran a hand through his hair, to try to comfort him.</p><p>“I don’t deserve this.”  Ben said, his face crumpling under the weight of his past.</p><p>“Don’t deserve what?”</p><p>“You.”  His eyes were sorrowful when they met hers.</p><p>“Ben, you saved me, you gave your life for me.” She brushed his hair back away from his face.  “What about what I deserve?  What about what I want?” She was starting to get angry, that he would take himself away from her.</p><p>He seemed taken aback by that.</p><p>“You want me?”  Disbelief resonated in his voice and desperation made creases in his brow.</p><p>“Ben, I told you that.”</p><p>His eyes roamed her face and the rare smile that she had glimpsed on Exegol returned before he pulled her in to kiss her again.  Her heart fluttered and raced, fearful of pulling away, and again reliving the horror of watching him die and his body fade. </p><p>This time it was Ben that pulled away, cupping her neck and beaming at her with crooked teeth and deep smile lines. </p><p>“Rey.  I’m home.” He said in a breathless rumble. </p><p>She let the pain of their past go, if only for a moment and she allowed herself to experience the joy that was bubbling up within her.  She pressed playful kisses against his lips, her fingers traced the lines of his face.  The bond flowed openly between them, allowing them to glimpse each other’s hopes, fears, and what had happened in their time apart. </p><p>Visions of their possible future flooded the space between them, glimpses of stolen moments and shared kisses.  A home on a planet with less sand and more rain.  Hours spent in meditative silence and tense training sessions.  Friends that didn’t judge him for the man he used to be. </p><p>Although there was an undercurrent of heat that built with the kisses as they deepened there was also palpable exhaustion.   Ben hadn’t slept much since she found him, and her sleep hadn’t been restful in a long time. </p><p>Eventually, satisfied that the other was real they laid down together on the tiny cot, Ben on his back and Rey half draped over him.</p><p>“What’s next?”  He asked her, his fingers trailing through her hair and down her spine, occasionally picking up her hand to press it to his lips.  Despite his exhaustion his body was still restless. </p><p>“Help the resistance rebuild I guess.”  Rey shrugged she was happy that he was here but wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to share him, yet.</p><p>“I’m supposed to be researching force sensitive planets, find a place to train any force sensitives the Resistance come across.”</p><p>“Are you going to train them?”</p><p>“I don’t know.  I haven’t decided yet.  If I did would you want to?”</p><p>“Would I be any good at it?  I wouldn’t train them to be Jedis.”</p><p>“I know.  I wouldn’t want you to.  The galaxy needs balance now more than ever, it can’t do that if everyone is trained to work one way.”</p><p>“Ok, so planet searching first?”</p><p>Rey hummed and nodded.  The force was a soothing hum around them, the bond was open and calm.  For the first time in her life, she felt like she was where she was meant to be, not waiting, not hurting, not fighting and not surviving, she was able to just exist.  They were safe and they were together, and they were able to drift off to sleep. </p><p> </p><p>The next day was a blur, they woke early with the morning sun light and got moving.  She contacted Poe about finding another force sensitive and got instructions for where she could switch ships. </p><p>Ben spent the flight there cleaning out compartments and going through the remnants of his former life.  He put everything he needed in boxes with the supplies they were taking with them. </p><p>The next ship, an old Naboo Cruiser, had more space, not nearly as much as the Falcon but it at least had a galley and places to sleep.  It was someplace that could be their home until they got settled someplace.  That is if they chose to settle someplace. </p><p>They charted a course for the next planet, something that would take them a day to get there. </p><p>“You should go to bed.”  Rey suggested, used to the long hours of flight. </p><p>Ben considered her for a moment.  “No,” he said leaning back in the chair and reaching to take her hand.</p><p>“I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>He tugged and she went willingly to sit in his lap, finding a place that was comfortable and tucked under his chin.  They hadn’t been separated much since she found him, just long enough take care for their more private needs or to get food while the other kept watch in the cockpit.  To her surprise touch was a part of their routine and rhythm, as natural as the feeling of their bond.</p><p>Once she was comfortable Ben folded down the arms of the chair to rest his elbows on and tilted his head back against the headrest, his hands clasped over her waist and he settled in, watching the stars blaze past them until he fell asleep. </p><p>She listened to the steady beat of his heart, a reminder that he was alive and here.  A reminder of the change in the rhythm of her life now that she wasn’t alone.  Her own hand rested over his and her fingers traced over the back of his hand. </p><p>Her eyes were blinking heavily by the time they reached their destination. </p><p>The planet was covered in blue water with swaths of lush land.  Ben lurched awake with the jolt of the ship as it entered the atmosphere.</p><p>“We’re there?”  He said through a stretch.   </p><p>“Yes,” she confirmed, landing the ship onto a flat plain with tall grass.  She smiled to herself at the memory it stirred up and she felt Ben sit up behind her and drop a kiss to her cheek, reassuring her in her happy thought. </p><p>When they landed, they got up and stretched and her and Ben disembarked.  The planet was beautiful, the grass came up to her hip and she felt welcome here, like she belonged. </p><p>“I think I want to stay here a while.”  Rey said, looking around her and she heard Ben take in a breath.  The planet was peaceful and balanced. </p><p>“It has good energy.”  Ben said, looking around them.</p><p>“I’m going to let Poe know that I want to stay here for a while, that there’s some promising aspects here.”</p><p>“Ok, then what?”</p><p>“We’ll figure it out when we’re ready.”</p><p>Ben’s arms came around from behind her as he laid a kiss on her temple. </p><p>“Well, I have an idea then.”  He said his deep voice rumbling in her ear. </p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“A picnic.” </p><p>She tilted her head in question, it wasn’t something she was familiar with.</p><p>“Go rest or whatever, give me an hour, and I’ll show you.” </p><p>She turned and looked back at him his eyes were bright with excitement.</p><p>“Alright.”  She nodded, leaning up to kiss him before going back onto the ship. </p><p>She washed up before laying down in the largest of the bunk rooms.  She crawled into the bed, surprised by how comfortable it was to her.  Within no time she felt herself drifting, the floating feeling of overdue sleep coming down over her. </p><p>She awoke a short time later to Ben’s hand brushing her hair away from her face and his voice softly calling to her. </p><p>“Ready?” </p><p>“Hmm,” she hummed, yawning and stretching as she sat up. </p><p>She pushed herself off the bed and Ben took her hand and helped her out of bed before leading her off the ship. </p><p>It looked later than it should have for the time of day that they had landed. </p><p>“I let you sleep a little longer.”  Ben said answering her unspoken question. </p><p>“Mmm, thank you.”  She leaned into him and wrapped her arms around him.</p><p>They walked down the ramp and Ben lead her off away from the ship, where a small pool of water sat, ripples skimming across the top with the light breeze. </p><p>Wisps of hair fluttered around her face and Ben directed her to sit on a blanket that he had laid out.  He had made her a meal, but she couldn’t say it was something she recognized from her time with the resistance.</p><p>She sat down on the corner of the blanket that seemed to threaten to lift away with the breeze.  Ben handed her a plate as he sat down next to her. </p><p>“What’s this?”  Rey asked, the scent wafting up from the dishes in front of her caused her mouth to water.</p><p>“Something that I ate while growing up.”  He said, dishing up the food onto a plate for her.   “My dad would make it.”  He said with a shrug.</p><p>It had vegetables and meat in some type of yellowish sauce, along with some grains. </p><p>She dug in with her grub sticks, the steam coming off the plate and drifting away from the food.  The bite she took was savory and spicy with just a hint of sweet. </p><p>“It’s really good.”  Rey said, around a bite of the meat.</p><p>Ben smiled in a soft way at the praise. </p><p>“So, what’s the plan if we stay awhile?”  He asked her before taking his own bite of food.</p><p>“I don’t know. I think I just want to live for a little while.”  She said, scowling at the piece of meat that was fighting against being picked up by her grub sticks. </p><p>“Okay.  How long do you think they’d let you alone for?”  Ben asked as he bit back a smile as she finally skewered it with the stick and shoved it in her mouth.</p><p>“If I talked to Finn first, I know he would convince Poe to let me stay for a while.  It’d give us time to decide.”  She looked around her at the expanse of greenery.  “This planet could be great to learn I think, it’s so calm.”  She said looking out over the pond.  “If not, there’s another planet that would do for teaching, peaceful green, a decent force balance… but I’d be more than happy to just stay here forever.”  She smiled at Ben who placed a hand on her knee and smiled back, the bond flooded with warmth.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>That night they went to bed happy and peaceful.  Their kisses started soft and happy before turning into something heated and less familiar to Rey.  Their hands explored each other’s bodies, fingers finding places where bare skin peaked out from under clothing.  Teasing touches were followed by pleasurable shudders and breathless laughter.</p><p>Rey opened her mouth to Ben’s exploring tongue before he rolled her onto her back, his kisses made a path down the column of her throat.  Her fingers threaded through his hair and her knees bracketed his hips.   </p><p>Soon their hands were pushing away clothes, Rey pushed Ben’s shirt over his head to reveal his pale skin.  She swallowed thickly at having him here and close.  Ben helped her remove her shirt and her breast band, his eyes roaming over her before being joined by his mouth in his exploration of her.</p><p>His soft lips ghosted over her nipples and his breath fanned over her skin.  She hissed when he sucked one pebbled peak into his mouth, his tongue circling the sensitive flesh.  She whimpered and bucked against him, tugging on his hair in the process.  He grunted and moved to her other breast pleasure skittered over her skin as his tongue pressed against the neglected nub. </p><p>She whimpered and writhed under him; his leg shifted between her own to press between her thighs.  The pressure sparked through her blood and she found herself grinding against him, seeking her release.  His hands moved to her sleep pants and untied the drawstring.  His eyes were dark with want and she nodded, encouraging him to remove the garment.  Rey’s hands raised to the buttons of his pants pulling and tugging impatiently until he was freed of them. </p><p>She wasn’t a fool she knew what to expect despite having had little experience.  She could feel arousal coil low in her belly and arousal pool between her thighs as she watched his cock spring free from his pants as they slid over his hips.</p><p>When he was free of his pants, he surged forward, his mouth capturing hers as his fingers threaded through her hair.  His tongue teased at her lip before sucking at it. </p><p>“Ben.”  She gasped against his mouth as his thumb plucked at her nipple. </p><p>“Rey,” his lips trailed down her neck before pausing to nibble at her collarbone.  “I love you.” He whispered against her skin, his palms sliding down her back, settling on her hips before pulling her forward to lay on the bed. </p><p>She was rendered speechless by his admission, it was something that was implied through the bond, they had yet to say it out loud.  Rey wanted to return his words but soon found herself distracted by Ben’s touches and had only succeeded in gasping, she lay open mouthed beneath him, stilled by the sensations that trailed in the wake of his attentions.</p><p>Clarity only came when he stopped touching her and she looked down at him to see that his mouth was agape as he gazed down her body, stepping off the bed.</p><p>“Where are you going?”  Rey asked anxious that he would leave her like this. </p><p>He shooshed, her his, hand gliding from her knee to her hip as he kneeled between her thighs.</p><p>“I want to try something.”  The bond flooded with images of what that was, and she rubbed her thighs together to relieve the pressure.  Her blood was molten, and she could feel that she was wet with her own arousal. </p><p>Ben’s gaze never left hers as he spread her thighs and brought her closer, she squirmed under the intensity of his gaze.  His pupils were blown as his eyes flicked down to her mound and his breath hitched. </p><p>His fingers ghosted over her folds before reaching back up to cup and knead her breast.  He bent forward, his nose nudging against the sensitive flesh between her legs.  She let out a whimper and she could feel his own arousal spike through the bond.  She bucked against his mouth as it moved tentatively over her slicked skin. </p><p>He groaned as his tongue gave a wide lick up her center before circling the little nub that brought her pleasure.  Their bond sang as she tugged on his hair to keep him close.  Her legs draped over his shoulders to make room for him and it only seemed to encourage him as his mouth explored her. </p><p>Soon his tongue was working a firm rhythm over her clit.  She could feel her arousal drip down the seem of her.  Ben pressed a thick finger against her entrance, the bond humming with satisfaction as he felt her walls welcome the intrusion.  She bucked against the sensation, she had used her own fingers before but could never reach as deep as he was now, after a few gentle thrusts he added a second. </p><p>The stretch was a new sensation and she clenched around him, overjoyed and relieved that she could share this with him when she thought he had been lost.  His tongue continued to circle and rub at her clit and he hummed against her as he started to move his fingers, they pressed against something pleasurable that made her cry out.  He pulled back, kissing her inner thigh with his arousal soaked lips.</p><p>“Rey,” he said breathlessly, the thumb of his freehand coming to work with the fingers that were working inside of her.  </p><p>“Ben.”  She gasped bucking and straining against the onslaught of sensations as she chased her release. </p><p>“Please.”  Was all he had to say, his eyes never leaving hers as her hips rolled and her thighs clamped around the hand buried in her sex.  Her nails dug into the flesh of his arms as she clung to anything that would keep her from flying away.</p><p>She shuddered and she could feel his arousal rise to a fever pitch as he watched her and worked her through it. </p><p>She was panting and breathless as he removed his fingers from her, sucking them into his mouth with a slow smug grin that had her shuddering with another ripple of pleasure.</p><p>She pressed her palms against his cheeks to pull him towards her to kiss him.  She could taste herself on his lips and tongue and she swung her thigh over his hip.  She pushed at his shoulder and rolled him onto his back.  He wrapped his arm around her waist and scooted them back so his head could rest on the pillows. </p><p>“Rey, we don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for.”  He reassured her with as raspy voice as he brushed her hair away from her face</p><p>“I’m ready.”  She said, her fingers brushing against the shell of his ear as it peaked through his hair, she watched a shudder roll through him at the contact and she tucked that information away.</p><p>“What about birth control?”  His face was contorted in worry. </p><p>“I got an implant when I was with the resistance.  It’s good for another 4 standard years.”  She felt as his body relaxed beneath her.</p><p>He kissed her as his hands rubbed along her back and she couldn’t help but squirm in his lap, seeking more friction.  Her hand snuck down between them and gripped his cock.  It was thick and long, the skin felt delicate and soft compared to how firm it was underneath. </p><p>He groaned into her mouth and broke away with panted breaths.  She ran her hand over the length and for just a bare moment he stopped breathing and she grinned mischievously.</p><p>“Rey, I won’t last.”  His voice was strained as his hands gripped her hips as if trying to desperately hold onto something. </p><p>“We’ll just have to do it again then.”  She said with a grin to which Ben only seemed to nod helplessly.  She raised herself up enough to notch spongy head of his cock against her entrance, before sinking down on him with a sigh. </p><p>Ben’s breath was shaky, and his fingers were going to leave bruises with the intensity of his grip.  His cock stretched her as she slowly worked her way down to the base.  The wet sound of her raising off him to sink further down made her shiver and she felt herself clench around him. </p><p>She looked at him to see he was looking between them, his brow lowered in concentration and his mouth dropped open, as he watched her slowly take his cock. </p><p>When she was fully seated and was able to settle against him, his mouth captured hers and she was flooded with the feeling of love and acceptance, the undercurrent of arousal was strong and sang through her blood.  She started to rock against him gently her clit rubbing against his pelvic bone.  Something about it made her feel whole, the bond thrummed and pulsed between them as his pleasure rose and hers to meet it. </p><p>Her skin hummed in every place they touched and when his fingers pressed against her clit to rub increasingly frantic circles against it.  She could feel her muscles clench around him while his cock throbbed and pulsed with each movement.  His pleasure tore across the bond and she felt hers echo back as she fell over the edge with him.  She ground against him as she rode out the feeling and his spend flood her with a warmth that felt like it would never leave her. </p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>When they both came down from their pleasurable highs she laid down in the crook of his arm, her chest pressed against his side.  Their skin was damp with sweat and the air cooled their skin.</p><p>After Ben caught his breath he rolled onto his side, his arm draping over her then pressing against her back, as if to make sure she was as close as he could get her. </p><p>“Ben?”  Rey asked, her voice small and quiet.</p><p>“Mmm?”  He grunted she could feel him drift off to sleep.  “I love you.”</p><p>“I know.”  He murmured lips pressed against the crown of her head as he drifted further into the abyss of sleep.  She smiled to herself as she tugged the covers over them and burrowed under his chin.  She couldn’t ever remember her heart feeling so full.  She knew then that this must be what home felt like. </p><p>She realized that the only thing that mattered about her future is that he was there with her. </p><p> </p>
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